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100 results for "doctor"

• Long Joke

  A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patient's room. He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half. Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet. The doctor asked patient number 1 what he was doing. The patient replied, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half? " The doctor inquired of Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing. Patient #1 replied, "Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a lightbulb. " The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2's face is going all red. The doctor asks Patient #1, "If he's your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself " Patient #1 replies, "What? And work in the dark? "
  

• Long Joke

  a woman goes to the doctor with a black eye, and really lookind rough. the doc says, "what happened?" the woman replies, "everytime my husband goes out and gets drunk on beer he beats me when he gets home." the doc thinks for a minute and says, "I have a remedy for that... the next time your husband comes home drunk on beer just make yourself a glass of iced tea, and swish it around in your mouth until he goes to bed." the woman goes home. two weeks later she returns to her doctor. the doc says, "you look great, did you try my advice?" the woman replies, "yes i did, but how did you know it would work?" he tells her "see what happens when you keep your mouth shut for a change?"
  

• Comebacks Joke

  Teacher - Get rid of your drink. No drinks in class.
  Student - I got it from my doctor he told me to drink it
  Teacher - Who's your doctor?
  Student - Dr. Pepper
  

• Celebrities Joke

  I can see Snooki's baby now. The doctor will be saying, "We have a little situation here."
  

• Short Joke

  Guy - "Gimme the bad news first."
  Doctor - "You have AIDS."
  Guy - "What's the good news?"
  Doctor - "You have alzheimer's."
  Guy - "Well that's not so bad, at least I don't have AIDS."
  

• Dirty Joke

  Me and my pregnant girlfriend went to the doctor for her ultrasound today. She was surprised when she saw a tiny penis.
  Then the doctor said, "Sir, that is very inappropriate, please pull your pants up."
  

• Chuck Norris Joke

  When Chuck Norris gets a shot, the doctor says to the needle,"now this is going to hurt"
  

• Blonde Joke

  A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked her what had had happened to her ears?
  "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."
  "Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But, what happened to your other ear?"
  "The son-of-a-bitch called back."
  

• Blonde Joke

  A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
  "Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."
  She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams inagony. She pushes her knee and screams,pushes her ankle and screams and so on it goes.
  The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette are you?"
  She says, "No, I'm really a blonde."
  "I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken
  

• Chuck Norris Joke

  When Chuck Norris was born, the doctor exclaimed, "It's a man!"
  

• Animal Joke

  Why did the dog go to the doctors?
  Because he was feeling ruff
  

• Blonde Joke

  Doctor - "Your pregnant"
  Blonde - "Is it mine?"
  

• Celebrities Joke

  Michael Jackson is walking out from the operating room after his wife gave birth to their son. Michael says "Hey Doc how long till we can have sex?" The Doctor says "At least wait till he is walking Michael!!"
  

• Racial Joke

  Why did Hitler go to the eye doctor?
  Because he can Nazi.
  

• Short Joke

  Doctor: "I have good news and bad news."
  Patient: "Go with the good news first."
  Doctor: "You have 24 hours to live."
  Patient: "What?! How about the bad news?"
  Doctor: Um... I forgot to tell you yesterday."
  

• Dirty Joke

  A big city doctor visits an Indian tribe full of men, he asks "How do you guys relieve your sexual tension?"
  "Simple, just come down to the river tomorrow and we'll show you."
  
  The next day the doctor shows up and sees a group of men near a donkey. One man says "Since you're our guest you get to go first."
  
  The doctor not wanting to go against custom starts to kiss, then proceeds to have sex with the donkey. Then a man in the group asks "Are you almost done Doc?" "We need the donkey to cross the river in order to get to the tribe of women."
  

• Long Joke

  Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake. "I’ll go into town for a doctor," the other says. He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the town’s only doctor, who is delivering a baby. "I can’t leave," the doctor says. ‘But here’s what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground." The guy ruins back to his friend, who is in agony. ‘What did the doctor say?" the victim asks. "He says you’re gonna die."
  

• Short Joke

  My doctor told me to start killing people. Well not in those exact words. He said I had to reduce the stress in my life. Same thing.
  

• Dirty Joke

  Three desperately ill men go to their docter seeking help. One is and alcoholic, One is a chain smoker and the other is gay. The doctor tells the men if you indulge in any of your habits again you will die. So the three men leave and then the alcoholic sees a bar and hears its loud music and can't resist. He orders a shot of whisky drinks it and suddenly drops down dead the other two men walk out side realising how serious this is, but then the chain smoker sees a half a ciggarette on the ground still burning so the gay guy says to the chain smoker "if you bend over to pick that up were both dead"
  

• Blonde Joke

  One day a Blonde went the doctor with a burn on her stomach. The doctor gasped and asked what happened. the Blonde told the doctor she put a lighter against her stomach. the doctor asked her why in the world she would do that. the blond said "I was trying to burn calories."
  

• Blonde Joke

  A blonde walks into a doctor’s office and says, “Doc, I’m horribly sick!”
  The doctor looks at her and asks, “Flu?”
  “No, I drove here.”
  

• Blonde Joke

  A surgeon went to check on his patient -- a pretty blonde -- after an operation. "You'll be fine," he said after checking her out.
  "Doctor? I have kind of a personal question," she said.
  
  "Certainly -- doctors are trained to be discreet. What's your question?"
  
  "Well," she asked, "How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again?"
  
  The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl.
  
  "What's the matter, Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"
  
  "Well yes, you'll be fine!" he replied. "It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."
  

• Dirty Joke

  There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it.
  
  Doctor: What was the problem?
  
  Elderly man: Well, you I tried with my right hand...nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing. My wife tried with her right hand...nothing. Her left hand...nothing. Her mouth...nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth....still nothing.
  
  Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?!
  
  Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup.
  

• Dirty Joke

  A man and his wife are having sex when a bee flies into the woman's vagina and won't come out. They got to the doctor and he says that he wants to try and put honey on the tip of his penis to lure the bee out. The man reluctantly agrees and his wife and the doctor start having sex. After a while it has gotten more intense and the man angrily asks if he was still trying to get the bee out and the doctor replies "Change of plans. I'm going to drown the little bastard!"
  

• Short Joke

  Man: Is there any way for long life? Doctor: Get married!
  Man: Will it help? Doctor: No, but the thought of long life will never come!!!
  

• Long Joke

  A man is sun-bathing nude at the beach; a little girl comes up to him so he covers his penis with a newspaper. The little girl asks, 'Whats under there?' The man says, 'A bird.' The girl walks away and the man falls asleep. He wakes up later in a hospital and is in great pain. A doctor and a policeman are at his bed, the doctor asks him, 'Do you remember what happened?' The man replies, 'I don't know; I was at the beach and fell asleep after talking to a little girl. The policeman says I asked her what happened and she said , 'I didn't do anything to the man, but while he was asleep, I played with his bird. It spit at me! So I broke it's neck, burned its nest, and smashed the two little eggs!
  

• Short Joke

  Patient: Doctor, please help me, i have a really weak memory
  Doctor: okay... so, since when are you suffering from this problem?
  Patient: which problem?
  

• Long Joke

  How Fast Can You Guess These Short Words You Probably Use Every Day?
  1. F__ K
  2. PU_S_
  3. S_X
  4. P_N_S
  5. BOO_S
  6. __ NDOM
  
  Answers
  1. FORK
  2. PULSE
  3. SIX
  4. PANTS
  5. BOOKS
  6. RANDOM
  
  Scoring
  6 Correct: You're doing great! A young and supple mind.
  5 Correct: You're still OK: everyone can miss ONE now and then.
  4 Correct: You're past your prime, dad.
  3 Correct: You're past your prime, grandma.
  2 Correct: You really need to see your doctor.
  1 Correct: You're probably already being seen by a doctor.
  0 Correct: What a pervert!
  

• Dirty Joke

  A guy named bob works at a deli. One day he goes to his doctor and says "Doc, I really want to stick my dick in the pickle slicer" The doctors responds with "No dont it will hurt and you will never lose your virginty! "Hey I have had sex before" And with that he leave's. The next day bob comes back and says "Doc I did it" The doctor says"well are you ok?" "Im fine but I was fired" "what about the pickle slicer?" The doctor asks "she was fired to!
  

• Dirty Joke

  A beautiful woman walks into a doctor's office and the doctor is bowled off by how stunningly awesome she and his professionalism goes right through the window.
  He tells her to take off her pants and starts rubbing her thigh, he asks her do you know what I'm doing? Yes she said, checking for abnormalities. He tell her to take off he bra and starts rubbing her boobs,he asks her do you know what I'm doing? Yes, she said checking for cancer. He tells her to take of her underwear and starts having sex. He tells her do you know what I'm doing? She said "Yes getting AIDS
  

• Dirty Joke

  The 85 year old man goes to the doctor's do get a check up, the doc says that he needs a sperm count and sends an empty jar home with the man. The next day, he comes back with an empty jar. When the doc asked what happened, the man said;
  i tried with my right and left hand, my wife tried with left and right, her mouth, teeth in and teeth out, we asked the neighbor to help, she tried with her mouth, both of her hands, she put it in between her legs, in her arms, and with her her feet. The doctor asked in a surprised voice, "You asked your neighbor? What happened?" The old man said, "We couldn't get the damn jar open."
  
  The
  

• Long Joke

  A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches. When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that the poor guy has tried practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL no improvement.
  "Listen," says the doc, "I have migraines, too and the advice I'm going to give you isn't really anything I learned in medical school, but it's advice that I've gotten from my own experience. When I have a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand, especially around the forehead. This helps a little. Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to have sex with her. Almost always, the headache is immediately gone. Now, give it a try, and come back and see me in six weeks."
  Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin. "Doc! I took our advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS! I've had migraines for 17 years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!"
  "Well," says the physician, "I'm glad I could help."
  "By the way, Doc," the patient adds, "You have a REALLY nice house
  
  

• Blonde Joke

  A brunette goes to the doctor, and says, "Doctor I'm hurting all over my body." "That's odd", replied the doctor, "Show me what you mean" So the girl takes her finger and pokes her elbow, and screams in pain. She touches her knee and cries in agony and so on. The doctor says, "You're not a natural brunette are you?" "No I'm a blonde", she replies. "I thought so.... your finger is broken.", replies the doctor.
  

• One Liners Joke

  My Cousin Ronny was born with no eyelids, so the doctors had to use his foreskin to create some. They said he would be alright, he is just a little cockeyed!
  

• One Liners Joke

  My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell. Well he actually said "less McDonald's" but I'm pretty sure I know what he meant.
  

• Racial Joke

  An Asian lady went into labor and her child came out black. The doctor asked her if she picked a name for the baby and she said, "Yea, Som Ting Wong!" (Something's wrong)
  
  

• Dirty Joke

  i went to the doctors today for my annual check up, and as the doctor is foreign i can't understand him talking so i take the missus with me, and the doctor says i want a urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample.... i said to the missus what did he say..... she said just show him your pants...........
  

• One Liners Joke

  FUN FACT: If you bring a gun to the pharmacy, you can get drugs without a doctor's prescription.
  

• One Liners Joke

  An apple a day keeps the doctor away, but if the doctor is cute forget the fruit
  

• Yo Momma Joke

  Yo Momma so fat the doctor told her to step on the scale and he said holy crap thats my phone number.
  

• Racial Joke

  An africoon nigger goes to the doctor and says, "I feel terrible."
  Doctor says, "go home, get a bucket, piss and shit in it for a week. Throw in dead rats and rotting fish. Put a towel over your head and sniff the fumes for three days."
  Week later nigger goes back and says, "Doc, I feel wonderful, what was the problem?"
  Doctor, "you were homesick!"
  

• Dirty Joke

  
  Guy goes to a doctor complaining that he can't tell the difference between his pee and his ejaculate. Doctor says, "Your problem is that you don't know if you're coming or going".
  
  

• Comebacks Joke

  Bully: You so skinny and bony
  Me: At least when i went to the doctor i didn't break the weighting scale
  Bully: I don't care Me: You just saying that because your family mistaking you as hippo
  

• Short Joke

  the man was in a clinic with difficulty in walking,him and the doctor decided to chop the leg and heal it. when he wake up the nurse said" i have good and bad news" the man said" whats the bad news?" the nurse said" i have choped the wrong leg"
  the man said" whats the good news?" the nurse said" your other leg is getting better"
  

• Comebacks Joke

  You're so ugly, when you were born the doctor took one look at you and slapped your parents
  

• Yo Momma Joke

  yo momma is so fat that when she stepped on the scales the doctor said I wanted your wait not your phone number
  

• Yo Momma Joke

  yo mama so fat when she walks past the tv when im watching doctor who i mis the whole series
  

• Dirty Joke

  An old man was given a jar and asked to provide a sperm sample for his doctor. The next day he returned with the empty jar and explained, "Well, doc, it's like this: First I tried with my right hand, then I tried with my left. I asked my wife to help. We even called up Arlene, the lady next door. Nothing."
  
  The doctor was shocked. He said, "You asked your neighbor?"
  
  "Yep," the old man replied. "None of us could get the jar open."
  

• Yo Momma Joke

  Yo Momma is so STUPID
  She made an appointment with Doctor PEPPER
  

• Dirty Joke

  Lady walks into a Doctor's clinic
  Doctor: May I num your breasts?
  Woman: Yes you may.
  Doctor: Okay, Num Num Num Num Num Num.
  (This joke is derived from a Robin Williams Movie, R I P !! )
  

• Yo Momma Joke

  Yo mama is so fat that when she was diagnosed with a flesh-eating disease, the doctor gave her ten years to live.
  
  

• Dirty Joke

  An old man was given a jar and asked to provide a sperm sample for his doctor. The next day he returned with the empty jar and explained, "Well, doc, it's like this: First I tried with my right hand, then I tried with my left. I asked my wife to help. We even called up Arlene, the lady next door. Nothing."
  
  The doctor was shocked. He said, "You asked your neighbor?"
  
  "Yep," the old man replied. "None of us could get the jar open."
  

• Dirty Joke

  a mother has realized that her three little boys have been sick lately she takes her children to the local doctor and the doctor runs some test and says the kids are low in iron in there blood so she decides to go to the local hardware store and buy some iron BBs and starts putting them in the kids food. A couple days later the youngest one come up to his mother and he tells her that he has been pissing BBs so the mom tells him not to worry bout it cause she has to iron BBs in their food so the iron levels in his blood and the youngest walks away ok with it then later that day the middle child comes up to his mother complaining about how he has been shitting BBs and the mother tells him the same thing as the little one but then after the middle one walks away the oldest come up to her and before he says anything the mom says let me guess u have been passing BBs to and the oldest responds with no i was out behind the shed jacking off and i shot the dog
  

• Yo Momma Joke

  yo moma so fat when she got on the scale the doctor said i need youre weight not youre phone number
  
  

• Short Joke

  A chinese man got hit by a car and ended up in the hospital. When doctor came to check him up, the chinese man said "wan chay chey fang" and died. And so the doctor went to one of a chinese friend he got, he asked him and his chinese friend answered "you're stepping on my oxygen pipe."
  

• Blonde Joke

  A blonde walks into a doctors office with a gunshot wound in her hand. The doctor asks, "How did this happen?" She replies, "Well, I was trying to commit suicide. I stuck the gun to my head and then...just before I pulled the trigger... I thought, this is going to be loud. So I covered my other ear before pulling the trigger".....ab!!!!!
  

• Redneck Joke

  Two doctors Anna and redneck are having sex, Redneck says to her, "You must be a surgeon, you washed your hands before and after." Anna replies, "Well you must be an anesthetist, because I didn't feel anything!"
  

• Racial Joke

  Pakistaniwent to the doctor Anant because he could no longer get an erection. The doctor told him to bring his wife in. So the next day the man comes in with his wife. First, the doctor tells her, "Take off all of your clothes." So she does.
  Next he tells her, "Now turn around... Okay, good. Now lie down." With this he pulls the man aside and tells him, "You are perfectly healthy. I didn't get a boner either."
  

• Racial Joke

  Pakistani comes to a doctor Anant and, twitching his fingers and stuttering, finally manages to say, 'Doctor, I have a sexual performance problem. Can you help me?'
  
  'Oh, that's not a problem for us men anymore!' announces a proud anant 'They just came out with this new wonder drug, plutonica, that does the trick! You take some pills, and your problems are history!'
  
  So the doctor anant gives paki a prescription and sends him on his merry way.
  
  A couple of weeks later, the doctor anant sees his patient on the street. 'Doctor, Doctor!' exclaims paki excitedly, 'I've got to thank you! This drug is a miracle! It's wonderful!
  
  'Well, I'm glad to hear that' says the pleased anant, 'What does your wife think about it?'
  
  'Wife?' asks pakistani, 'I haven't been home yet.'
  
  
  

• Redneck Joke

  Redneck goes into a doctors Anant and says "Doctor, doctor you've gotta help me. I just can't stop having sex!"
  
  "Well how often do you have it?" the doctor anant asks.
  
  "Well, twice a day I have sex with my wife, TWICE a day", he answers back.
  
  "That's not so much", says dr anant.
  
  "Yes, but thats not all. Twice a day I have sex with my secretary, TWICE a day," replies the man.
  
  "Well that is probably a bit excessive," says the doctor.
  
  "Yes, but thats not all. Twice a day I have sex with my neighbour pakistani lady, TWICE a day," says the redneck
  
  "Well, that's definitely to much", says the dr Anant. "You've got to learn to take yourself in hand."
  
  "I do", says the redneck. "Twice a day !!!
  

• Blonde Joke

  ALWAYS TIRED
  A blonde goes to her doctor Anant complaining that she is
  exhausted all the time. After the diagnostic tests showed nothing, the Anant gets around to asking her how often she has intercourse. "Every Monday, Wednesday, and Saturday," she says. The doctor advises her to cut out Wednesday. "I can't," says the woman. "That's the only night I'm home with my husband!"
  

• Redneck Joke

  Redneck went to the doctor Anant's office to ask for a triple dose of Viagra.The doctor told him that he couldn't allow him a triple dose.
  
  "Why not?' asked Redneck
  
  "Because it's not safe,' replied the doctor Anant
  
  "But I need it really bad,' said Redneck
  
  "Well, why do you need it so badly?' asked the doctor Anant
  
  Redneck answered, "My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday; my ex-wife will be here on Saturday; and my wife is coming home on Sunday. Can't you see? I must have a triple dose."
  
  On Monday, Redneck dragged himself in to the doctor's office, his right arm in a sling.
  
  The doctor asked, "What happened to you?"
  
  Redneck said, "No one showed up."
  
  
  

• Blonde Joke

  The blonde Anna made her first appointment with a gynecologist and told him that she and her husband wished to start a family.
  "We've been trying for months now, doctor, to get pregnant," she confessed miserably.
  "I'm sure we'll solve your problem," the doctor reassured her.
  "If you'll just take off your clothes and lie down on examining table."
  "Well, all right, doctor," agreed the Anna, blushing, "but It would have been better to have my husband's baby.
  
  

• Long Joke

  An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. "Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."
  

• Long Joke

  Three guys are in the hospital waiting room because their wives are in labor. The doctor goes up to the first guy and says,
  "Your wife gave birth to two kids."
  "Wow, that is a coincidence because I was in the two towers movie," he replies. The doctor goes up to the second guy.
  "Your wife gave birth to five kids."
  "Wow, that's a coincidence because I work at five guys," he said.
  The doctor sees the third guy crying.
  "Why are you crying?" he asked.
  The third guy said "I work at the 99 steakhouse."
  

• Dirty Joke

  Did you hear about the pornstar with an undiagnosed heart problem? Apparently her doctor thought she had acute angina but was too embarrassed to say so.
  

• Long Joke

  A man arrives at a physician, the doctor asks for the problem, the man says that he has a severe back-ache, the doctor asks for the reason that caused the backache, the man explains "this morning, when i got back home from my night shift at work, i saw my wife naked in bad asleep, and there were evidence of a man's presence, so i immediately began searching for the bastard, when i looked out of window, i saw a naked man down in the alley wearing cloth, i lifted the nearest object which was the refrigerator and dropped it out in the alley and it landed on man in the alley. the reason was the lifting". the doctor were shocked and then wrote some drugs in the prescription and the first man leaves. the second man arrives at the physician. doctor asks for the problem and gets "severe back-ache" again, when asks for reason behind it, hears "this morning i woke up late and were very late for work, so i decided to wear my cloth on the way, so i ran to the alley naked and began to wear my cloth there when suddenly a heavy object was dropped on me, i guess the reason was being hit by that object."; the doctor was shocked even more, and then wrote some drugs for him. the third man enters and complains about same problem "severe back-ache", the doctor which was shocked to the very existence, sarcastically told the man "did u lift a refrigerator or got hit by a refrigerator?", the man replied "No, i was inside the refrigerator"
  

• Long Joke

  the person who said an apple a day keeps the doctor away is a liar last week i threw an apple at my doctor but he dint go away.
  he went to the hospital tho
  

• Dirty Joke

  A guy went to a doctor who had his office on 4th floor. He explained to doctor that he can't satisfy his wife on bed. Doctor examined him and gave him 3 pills a red, pink and blue pill, Doctor adviced him to use the red pill first, if it is not working out use pink,and even if Pink pill fails use the blue pill as it is more powerful. He took the pills and left. Before going home he wanted to test the pill. He swallowed red pill and got in to the lift. He saw a woman about 50 years old, and f*cked her and checked if she was satisfied..she replied somewhat. Then he tried pink pill met another woman..f*cked her got feedback as ok.He wanted to try the blue pill and see how it works. On first floor he sees a girl ducks her and got feedback as awsome.. He was very happy now..when he reached ground floor he realized that he don't have any pills left. So he went back to doctor to get few more blue pills. When he opened the door Doctor opens his pant and bends down..this guy shouts "what is this Doctor..Y are u doing this.. Doctor goes back to him slapped him and said.you ducked my mom in 3rd floor.. my wife in 2nd floor and my daughter in 1 at floor. I am the only guy left in my family.. come and duck me!!~~
  

• Dirty Joke

  I heard the doctor ask the kid how is your pussy,is it num or horny or feels like it needs some spice
  

• Dirty Joke

  So 3 guys are sitting at a bar. Ones a doctor, ones a lawyer, and the others a biker. The doctor says,"Its me and my wife's anniversary. I'm going to get her a Porsche and a diamond ring!" "Oh yeah?" Questions the lawyer,"Well its me and my wife's anniversary too. I'm going to get her a Mercedes-Benz and a pearl necklace!" The Biker, rather lazy, says,"Oh yeah? Well its me and my old bag's anniversary also. Ima get her a T-Shirt and a vibrator. So if she doesn't like the T-Shirt, she can go f*ck herself!"
  

• Dirty Joke

  an old man went to the doctor and said "I just f*cked the 3 most beautiful girls in the world and they all gave me a good blowjob and for return I ate their pussy". the doctor said "what was their names?" the old man then replied with "Emily, Ashley and Marissa". the doctor said "well you better f*ck me to because you just f*cked my mom my wife and my daughter".
  

• Puns Joke

  The Doctor; "Knock Knock"
  The Master; "Who's there?"
  Doctor;"I love Doctor."
  Master;"I love Doctor Who."
  Master; >:O
  

• Blonde Joke

  A blonde walks into a hospital and says doctor I have pain all over my body. When I press my knee it hurts when I press my arm it hurts, anywhere I press I'm in pain. The doctor says you have hurt your finger and walks off
  

• Short Joke

  i have to go see my doctor.....ben dover
  

• Puns Joke

  Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I'm OK, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.
  

• Dirty Joke

  A little girl walks into her parents bedroom one night. "WTF" She screams "And you want me to see a doctor for sucking my thumb.
  

• Dirty Joke

  A clinically insane man has a doctor appointment at 11:00. when he gets out of his shower, he wraps himself in saran wrap. ( clear plastic wrap ) and goes to the doctor, stark naked under the plastic wrap. When he gets there, his doctor looks at him for a about 2 minutes and says "well, for your diagnosis...I can clearly see your nuts."
  

• Short Joke

  Patient: Doctor I don't feel very well for 2 weeks now
  Doctor: Ofcourse not. Damn sir, I've found 14 spoons in your stomach. How come you ate those spoons ?
  Patient: But, but doctor u gave me the order to...
  Doctor: What!? I didn't
  Patient: Yes you did, the receipt that came with the medicine you gave me 2 weeks ago said "one spoon every day"
  
  

• Short Joke

  An apple a day keeps the doctor away
  if well aimed
  

• Dirty Joke

  The three most important men in a women's life:
  the doctor - who tells her to take off all her clothes
  the dentist - who tells her to open wide
  milk man - who asks if she wants it in the front or back.
  

• Puns Joke

  I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places, and he said,"then don't go to those places"
  

• Short Joke

  A nutritionist and a doctor are in love with the same girl. One day the girl is to travel for five days so the nutritionist gives her five apples and says "an apple a day keeps the doctor away".
  

• Short Joke

  My doctor told me that i needed to watch my drinking, now i drink in front of a mirror
  

• Yo Momma Joke

  yo mama so stupid when the doctor said to burn some calories she set a fat person on fire!
  

• Short Joke

  A lady goes to the doctor complaining of abdominal pains, and after many tests the doctor finally returns back to her with some results.
  DOCTOR: Well, I hope you like changing diapers
  WOMAN: Why, am I pregnant ???
  DOCTOR: No, you have Bowel Cancer !!!
  
  

• Dirty Joke

  Three fathers are talking about their sons. The first father says, "my sons a successful doctor. He's so rich, he just bought his best friend a Lamborghini". The second father said, "my sons a successful hedge fund manager. He's so rich, he just bought his best friend a yacht". The third father says, "my sons the CEO of a big company. He's so rich he just bought his best friend a castle". Right then, a fourth father walks in and asks what they're talking about. The other three fathers say, "we're talking about our successful sons, what does yours do?" The fouth father says, "well my sons a gay stripper." The other three fathers say, "oh wow, you must be really disappointed." The fourth father replies with, "well not really, he's doing really well. His three boyfriends just bought him a Lamborghini, a yacht, and a castle."
  
  Please rate
  

• Dirty Joke

  Doctor: Jim, please listen to me.
  Jim: I am doctor.
  Doctor: You'll have to stop masturbating.
  Jim: WHAT?
  Doctor: When people talk, we do not masturbate.
  

• Comebacks Joke

  Patient: The problem is that obesity runs in our family
  Doctor: No, the problem is that no one runs in your family
  

• Dirty Joke

  A little girl walks in her parents bedroom... "Holly shit! And you want me to see a doctor about sucking my thumb!"
  

• Short Joke

  Yesterday I swallowed some food colouring. My mum took me to the doctor and the doctor said I was OK. But still, I feel like I've dyed a little inside.
  

• Long Joke

  In a psychological hospital/asylum, a patient fell in the pool outside and another patient, named Guy, bravely rescued him from drowning. A doctor saw this and went to a meeting with the other doctors. After the meeting they decided that Guy can go back to the society now that he is sane again. When going back to the pool, they realised that the rescued patient was hanged witha scarf. So they went to Guy's room and said: 'Guy, we believe you are sane now and is ready to go back to the society. Sadly, the person you rescued hanged himself.' To this Guy said: 'Oh, that was me, he was wet so I'm drying him.'
  

• Blonde Joke

  Blonde: *calling the doctor surgery*
  Doctor: Dr. Raymond speaking, how may I help you?
  Blonde: I'm going to have to cancel my 2 o' clock appointment I am afraid.
  Doctor: Oh, why is that?
  Blonde: I don't feel well.
  

• Racial Joke

  A man who found himself speaking with a Nigerian accent went to a doctor with much angst having heard that there are people plagued by a fictitious condition referred to as 'Nigerianitis'.
  Having mentioned his concern to the doctor and the possibility that he might have the condition the doctor retorted , 'Son , Do you find yourself smiling to yourself for no reason ? ' , for which the man replied yes. Into further inquiry about the man's worry the doctor then asked 'Do you often find yourself wearing flowery multi colored shirts' for which he also replied 'yes'. The Doctor then proclaimed with a gentle sigh 'I dont think you are suffering from Nigerianitis , you might however have a mild form of Ghana-ria'.
  

• Long Joke

  Doctor: Open your mouth and say ahh.
  Steve: Ahh.
  Doctor: I see that everything is alright, and tell me, have you been anywhere before coming to me?
  Steve: Yes, I went to see the pharmacist at the pharmacy.
  Doctor: And what kind of nonsense he recommended for you?
  Steve: To come here and see you.
  

• Long Joke

  A bald man wants to grow his hair back. He walks into the doctor's office for help. The doctor gives him some Vaseline and tells him to apply it to his head daily. The man then heads to the YMCA. He starts applying the Vaseline. A gay man walks by him and asks what he was doing. He laughs and says, "If Vaseline makes hair grow longer, I'd have a ponytail coming out of my ass!"
  

• Short Joke

  Doctor: Do you drink or smoke?
  Kid: No
  Doctor: *Under his breath* What a loser.
  

• Short Joke

  My neighbour got hit with a can of soda. The doctors said he was lucky it was a soft drink.
  

• Dirty Joke

  jim a 85 year old man goes to his doctor. he tells the doctor that he cant get his junk hard. and so the doctor getting annoyed tells jim that he became too old.
  after listening to this jim says the doctor that he has a girlfreind who is just 18 years old and is pregnant.
  after hearing this the docotor tells him "let me tell you a story jim, one day a man was leaving for hunting and was in a hurry. so instead of picking his gun up he picked his umbrella and went for hunting. after eaching the jungle suddenly a big bear comes in front of him and he takes out his umbrella and shoots and guess what ? the bear died!!
  jim tells " what stupidity doctor! obviously someone else might have shot the bear!!
  doctor - "EXACTLY NIGGA"
  

• Dirty Joke

  A young woman goes to see her doctor.
  Doctor says, how can i help you today , she replies i have a nasty rash on my body i got on holiday-i'm not sure what it might be.
  Doctor tells her to climb upon his table and lay on her back and remove all her clothes, he begins to touch her legs, he asks what am i doing now, and she reply's you are touching my legs doctor, he says correct, he then begins to caress her breasts, and he again asks what am i doing now, she reply's, you are fondling my breasts doctor, that's correct says doctor, the doctor then begins rubbing his penis against her, the woman says is this necessary doctor, he reply's yes it is to clear your rash, he then begins to climb on top and penetrate her, and says what am i doing nowwww, to which she reply's well doctor your catching syphilis which is why i came to see you in the first place.